I've been angry of late.
In fact, I went to bed angry, and shared with my wife that I couldn't quite put a finger on the source of my anger.
As I share this, please understand that I am shining a light on a seed that exists in me. This seed is not fully developed, and thankfully not as prominent in my life as I might make it sound in this post.
But, shining the light on it helps me see how horrific it is, and hopefully motivates me to seek its destruction, or at least to keep it ever caged in the dark shadows of my mind.
Does that make sense?
I have shared with you, in this blog, the story of our success. I have shared how we worked hard, ferociously worked to serve the best needs of our clients, and accomplished my long-stated goal to retire at the age of 50.
Then, if have you been a reader of this blog, you have witnessed God teaching me a great many things, with perhaps the greatest of these being his complete sovereignty, and an understanding that he alone is holy God.
I was fairly easily undone as God pulled the rug out from under my "well conceived plan of retirement" (see me flipped back, and falling flat on my back?), and designed to teach me that I had allowed pride in my life.
I learned that pride was the chief object the we inherited from our elder brother Adam, and that a great part of my striving was to become self sustaining. If I had enough money, what couldn't I do? Would I need God? Might I even become a god unto myself?
Please understand, those thoughts never entered my mind, but their seeds existed in me.
Now, as I begin to craft a new direction in my life, and I gaze around the landscape, I am continually reminded that my once "lofty" position no longer exists. Please don't feel sorry for me, we were not totally destroyed by this recession's circumstances. My plan, however, is indeed smoldering in the ashes.
So...here I am, in a land where no one knows me, no ones knows of my accomplishments, and I find myself, as it were, back at the bottom.
God seemingly has placed me here, and said serve. Lay your pride aside, your accomplishments were not the object, the things that you did, and the people you helped, were.
So, here I stand, at the bottom of the ladder, so to speak, and angry. "Lord, I am 53 years old, I thought I had accomplished my duties here on earth, I was ready to sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labors!"
Start serving David, and climb.Oooof, a belly punch to my pride.
Hmmm....it would seem that my anger is pointed towards God.
Please pardon my dust, and there may be lots of dust, I am under remodeling.
Oh my soul, here we are, at the root, climb!
To my sons, and future generations: please learn from my stumblings.
